So, after having a short conversation with a friend, I started to really think about the issue of whether guys and girls can "just be friends." Up until a year ago, I never even knew this was a debatable topic.
Now, in all of my life, I have never met a single girl who declared that guys and girls cannot be just friends. In fact, it was not until the past year or so that I even met a guy who held the view that it is a rare case in which a boy and girl could be friends. I have still yet to find a girl who holds this view, but I have met a couple of guys who hold this perspective.
So, it got me to thinking - why? Do they have a point? Am I just naive?
Here is what I have come to conclude:
The guys who hold this view tend to be the ones who have had little to no experience with a female just being a friend (in reviewing each one who has told me their view on this, they all had this same exact thing in common - having no female friends beyond the ones they have dated). The ones who hold the view that members of the opposite sex cannot be friends are the ones who mistake the blame on the issue/topic - the problem does not rest in men and women being able to be friends, but in THEM not being able to have a woman as a friend (and for the female just like them, the one who cannot have a man as a friend).
These are the people who usually fall into one of two categories: "Easy," and "Player."
People who cannot have a nonsexual friendship with a member of the opposite sex only reveal a tragic flaw in themselves, and especially in the manner in which they perceive the opposite sex, as well as how they value themselves.
A girl who cannot manage to form a friendship with a man without having it turn into being "date buddies," "kissing buddies," "man of the week buddies," or even "boyfriend status," are girls who are themselves insecure. They are also the girls who objectify men and are likely ones who will struggle maintaining a relationship with a man and are also probably more likely to be ones who are easily dissatisfied and are quick to bounce from one man to another.
Similarly, men who can count on one hand (if that) the number of legitimate female friendships they have had tend to be the same men who loosely and casually do nothing but date girls. They hop from one to the other, often "dating" multiple girls at once. They are the ones who, as a result, tend to be the players. They objectify the women, even if they do not intend to do so. It is a reflection of their mentality in which they see girls through the lenses of "dateable" instead of "friendable."
You see, the error is with each individual, and the ones who cannot have guys and girls as nothing more then friends are in fact the minority! Looking all throughout high school, I see this idea being in the wrong, for most of my friends were all male, and they never pursued anything with me, nor I with them. Most of these guys I still count as friends and talk to, 4 years later. And at my university, I'm fairly certain that should one of these men tell one of the CBU guys that he did not think guys and girls could be "just friends," that he would be laughed off of the campus. Similarly, a girl who stated the same notion would likely be stared at in shock, for throughout CBU, you will find guys and girls being JUST FRIENDS! And yes, SINGLE guys and SINGLE girls. Let's not play semantics or state technicalities.
In fact, I say that it is a shame and is something to be pitied when a guy admits to not having had a female as just a good friend, and vice-versa. In my experience, the friendships I have had with my male friends have so shaped my personality and have overjoyed my heart that I cannot picture ever not having them in my life. Yes, male friends are different than female friends, but it is a vital difference that positively contribute to my life and has actually shaped my view of men and has contributed to the manner in which I am able to respect men and see them beyond appearances and "possibilities." They add such humor, warmth, and laughter. They have also been some of my greatest supporters, confidants, accountability partner, and advice-givers. To imagine a girl who has not been able to form a relationship with a guy as just a solid friendship instead as a potential boyfriend or hook-up is to imagine someone who is missing one of the purer blessings of life.
And, to guys who have not had a good female friend . . . is it any wonder these guys happen to also be the players and more unstable ones and ones who "hook-up?" Male and female friendships are VITAL in teaching men and women how to treat one another as more then sexual objects! It teaches respect. It broadens the mind beyond animalistic instincts. Guys who hve not had this are ones who will struggle being strong men, for they will likely be more prone to being unfaithful while in relationships simply because they have not learned how to look at a woman as anything more then a "potential." Compare a man who first sees a woman as just a woman with one who just knows how to see one as someone they could see themselves hooking up with . . . and you will likely note who has the army of male friends and who has a mixture of male and female friendships. Guys . . . I think those who have good female friends will tell you that there is something that is missing when you don't have a girl you can call a good friend.
This topic has also generated feelings of anger and frustration, for it it such an ignorant and sexist perspective from an overly sexualized society. Each time I have heard this view, I have to grit my teeth at seeing how this corrupted world has infected the minds of so many, including men and women who are strong Christians. What kind of world do we live in when people believe that a man and woman cannot be honest friends, but must always have alternative motifs? Are men and women really that disrespectful of one another? It is almost heart-breaking to think about what an insulting idea it is, and it is horrible that I live in a world in which I cannot grab coffee with a male friend without so many believing that there MUST be other motives, yet had I grabbed coffee with my best female friend, no one bats an eye.
Why? Why the double-standard?
It's ridiculous and only shows how society has been able to shape mens' minds into seeing women as things to date FIRST, instead of individuals that they can form a pure relationship with. It is a society that trains women to perceive men as pleasure objects to treat them to dinner and "complete them," instead of seeing men as individuals who have so much more to offer then a sushi date and movie.
And we truly wonder why infidelity in relationships is through the roof? We are amazed about divorce being so rampant?
Friendships between a man and woman are one of the biggest teachers outside of immediate family and church about how to view and treat a man and a woman.
The issue is not whether a man and woman can be friends and only friends (heck, this does not include ones that naturally, over time, lead to a relationship). The issue is with how the guy and girl views a guy and girl. If a guy has not had any female friends, the logical conclusion is not to say that these things are rare, but to look at himself. Same goes for the girl. Perhaps, just perhaps, the flaw comes because EVERY guy and girl the guy/girl becomes "friends" with are ones they already decided upon meeting they wanted to "date." In that case, there was never a real friendship, but the flaw is with that person, not the concept. In this case, the boy needs to grow up and become a man, and the girl needs to cut off the pigtails and act like a woman.
And, also . . . what is with this perpetual fear guys and girls have with being placed into the "friend" category?! Okay, all you Christian men and women, you should WANT to be in that category FIRST, before you are ever in the category that places you in a position to make another compromise. You see, EVERY relationship should begin with friendship, and it should evolve into best friends prior to evolving into a physical relationship of any form. It is so immature when a guy or girl refuses to get close enough to another for fear that this category eliminates potential for leading to dating. If anything, the healthiest of relationships seem to be the ones that began with mere friendship that naturally evolved into something more. I had a friend from church tell me that, regarding male and female relations, they fall into one of three categories: husband/wife, brother/sister in Christ, and a threat. The guys and girls who just pursue after guys/girls for relationships likely fall into the "threat" categories instead of taking the friendship phase that enable the maintaining of a healthy and Godly relationship.
Finally, even looking at it from a Biblical perspective shows just how silly and corrupted a view it is that guys and girls cannot be friends. It has nothing to do with gender, but with the mind and mentality of the person. Maybe it just takes a mature person to be able to have this type of relationship? Scripturally, what evidence is there that man and woman cannot be friends? Are we not told that we are all members of one body and are told to work in unity together? Perhaps God needs to be informed that only guys and girls who are in relationships that do this, because they cannot just be friends. Maybe there is a "female arm" and "male arm"? Forgive the sarcasm, but for Christians who hold this view, I have to wonder what Bible they are reading, for the view is not only an insult to the Biblical practice of friendship and agape, but it is also an insult to the individual and to God! God created us to be in fellowship! Man AND woman. To be friends! To work together! It is also a mental view that is sinful, for it insinuates that the mind is controlled by nothing but lust and desire. Surely a Godly man can control his urges and thoughts enough that he can be a true and sincere friend to a woman and not one who only has the goal to win her over. Surely a Godly woman can control her own selfish wants and develop a friendship with a man and see him as a brother in Christ before anything else.
I just think that this whole issue is only an issue because of how deprived this world is that it is succeeding in dividing the body of Christ by gender and foolishly teaching men and women that there cannot be one of the purest things this world still has left between them - friendship.
1 Corinthians 1:10
"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought."
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Their story...
...is as individual and personal as the children themselves. It’s the story of sons and daughters, their brothers and sisters, their families, their parents. It’s the story of the girl next door, and the one on the other side of the world. It’s about people just like us.
Their story is our story.
As most stories do, the beginnings have a hundred different roots. How a child becomes a commodity on the sex market is a complicated tale. It has many settings, diverse characters, varied locations and lasting repercussions.
Sometimes it begins with the making of an orphan. Left alone without the protection of a family, a 4 year old Ugandan boy can easily be exploited by pimps and pedophiles, brothel owners and con men.
Another story begins with the rape of a girl by a stranger, friend, or family member. In many cultures, there is considered to be no restoration from this tragic injustice. A Cambodian girl at age 6 would then be considered stained, only deemed useful as a sex object in the local karaoke bar.
A 15 year old Russian girl can be sold by her parents to a pimp unknowingly, thinking she is going to receive an education, training, a better life. They find out they’ve been deceived and she’s been trafficked, but it’s too late.
A boy from El Salvador can be given over to a life of prostitution at 10 years of age by an uncle. The reasoning: a life of emotional and mental pain is better than starvation and homelessness.
An American teenager, with lonely days and empty pockets, takes a stranger at the mall up on his offer...and the cycle of slavery begins.
Whatever the reason, wherever the path, the end is the same. A childhood is destroyed. A child is destroyed. Dreams for a bright future are taken away and pain becomes their companion. With no one to speak for them...they become silent.
Facts:
This is a true story. And it becomes the biography of 2 children every minute (JFCI); approximately 10 million children worldwide every year (ECPAT).
They’re absorbed into an illegal network which generates $28 billion a year from commercial sexual exploitation (ILO).
Human trafficking is the second most profitable crime in the world.
It is a global emergency.
To redeem their stories, there must be a reaction to this injustice.
------
Our reaction...
...is to respond to God’s heart for this injustice. A reaction, not a movement, will sustain long-term change with this issue. A movement fades and loses momentum, but God’s heart of compassion never ceases. Therefore, we must always react to His heart.
Being a voice -
If we don’t act on behalf of the silent, who will?
The brothel owner won’t...he’s making too much money from the sale of his fresh new commodity.
The mourning aunt won’t...her husband has the final word and his blows are shattering when he is questioned.
The police won’t... the bribe is too sweet and the money so desired.
The deceived parents will weep over the lack of justice in their nation and never raise their voice. It would be futile.
The tourist will look the other way...he’s just here for a vacation, not to get involved.
We must speak!
As Christians, it is our duty to confront the injustices in this world, yet in a nation that blazes bright red as a hot spot for human trafficking, we are deathly silent. Perhaps it is denial. Perhaps it is ignorance. But neither are excuses, and it is our silence that silences the cries of a child in pain and chains. Our silence aides the captors and abusers. Our silence is the greatest weapon used by Darkness to shun the Light . Our silence places the money in the hands of a pimp at the expense of the purity and childhood of an innocent.
Maybe we believe that because we live in America that it is far away from us. That we are worlds apart. What do I have in common with a Cambodian boy? How can I relate to an Ecuadorian girl? But we are wrong. The United States of America is principally a transit and destination country for trafficking in persons. It is estimated that 14,500 to 17,500 people, primarily women and children (50%), are trafficked to the U.S. annually.
It is so simple as individuals to become distracted - we have school, friends, jobs, significant others, and families. I know that by the end of a semester, I struggle to see beyond the stack of looming papers and finals glaring squarely at me, and when looking around, I see that I am not alone.
I believe we have our priorities horribly skewed. We see from the broad scope narrowed to the individual - to us. A giant magnifying glass focused upon ourselves. Perhaps, as believers and as fellow human beings, we need to take the focus from ourselves and place it upon the world - place the microscope upon the enslaved, upon the abused, upon the sick, upon the destitute . . . upon the lost. To place the pressure and focus upon the perpetrators of these crimes in an outcry of protest. Perhaps it is time for us to join together and empty ourselves and pour the light throbbing in our souls upon a world clouded in the darkness of apathy and inaction . . . silence . . . the greatest weapon of mass destruction.
Perhaps we are silent because it makes us uncomfortable. Perhaps it brings reality to our doorstep, but like an unwanted salesman, we shoo it away or pretend not to be home. But . . . maybe we need to be uncomfortable. After all, when you are sitting in a chair and become bothered by an ache or itch, you shift and adjust to remove the problem. . . well, maybe we, as Christians, as humans, need to stop ignoring the pricking uncomfortability and begin to act. To move. To stop pretending, ignoring . . . to speak.
They can't speak. They can't call to you. I've never met them - these silent. But I imagine that if they were given one word to say, they would beg, "Help."
In order to be a beautiful voice for these children, there must be many voices raised. We have not been able to have a say in their beginning, but we can have a say in how their story will end.
"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called Home." (TWLOHA)
There must be involvement.
Your involvement.
What will be her ending?
What will be his ending?
They're waiting for our answer . . . to be a voice for the silent.
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those who are perishing. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice.”
–Proverbs 31:8-9
...is as individual and personal as the children themselves. It’s the story of sons and daughters, their brothers and sisters, their families, their parents. It’s the story of the girl next door, and the one on the other side of the world. It’s about people just like us.
Their story is our story.
As most stories do, the beginnings have a hundred different roots. How a child becomes a commodity on the sex market is a complicated tale. It has many settings, diverse characters, varied locations and lasting repercussions.
Sometimes it begins with the making of an orphan. Left alone without the protection of a family, a 4 year old Ugandan boy can easily be exploited by pimps and pedophiles, brothel owners and con men.
Another story begins with the rape of a girl by a stranger, friend, or family member. In many cultures, there is considered to be no restoration from this tragic injustice. A Cambodian girl at age 6 would then be considered stained, only deemed useful as a sex object in the local karaoke bar.
A 15 year old Russian girl can be sold by her parents to a pimp unknowingly, thinking she is going to receive an education, training, a better life. They find out they’ve been deceived and she’s been trafficked, but it’s too late.
A boy from El Salvador can be given over to a life of prostitution at 10 years of age by an uncle. The reasoning: a life of emotional and mental pain is better than starvation and homelessness.
An American teenager, with lonely days and empty pockets, takes a stranger at the mall up on his offer...and the cycle of slavery begins.
Whatever the reason, wherever the path, the end is the same. A childhood is destroyed. A child is destroyed. Dreams for a bright future are taken away and pain becomes their companion. With no one to speak for them...they become silent.
Facts:
This is a true story. And it becomes the biography of 2 children every minute (JFCI); approximately 10 million children worldwide every year (ECPAT).
They’re absorbed into an illegal network which generates $28 billion a year from commercial sexual exploitation (ILO).
Human trafficking is the second most profitable crime in the world.
It is a global emergency.
To redeem their stories, there must be a reaction to this injustice.
------
Our reaction...
...is to respond to God’s heart for this injustice. A reaction, not a movement, will sustain long-term change with this issue. A movement fades and loses momentum, but God’s heart of compassion never ceases. Therefore, we must always react to His heart.
Being a voice -
If we don’t act on behalf of the silent, who will?
The brothel owner won’t...he’s making too much money from the sale of his fresh new commodity.
The mourning aunt won’t...her husband has the final word and his blows are shattering when he is questioned.
The police won’t... the bribe is too sweet and the money so desired.
The deceived parents will weep over the lack of justice in their nation and never raise their voice. It would be futile.
The tourist will look the other way...he’s just here for a vacation, not to get involved.
We must speak!
As Christians, it is our duty to confront the injustices in this world, yet in a nation that blazes bright red as a hot spot for human trafficking, we are deathly silent. Perhaps it is denial. Perhaps it is ignorance. But neither are excuses, and it is our silence that silences the cries of a child in pain and chains. Our silence aides the captors and abusers. Our silence is the greatest weapon used by Darkness to shun the Light . Our silence places the money in the hands of a pimp at the expense of the purity and childhood of an innocent.
Maybe we believe that because we live in America that it is far away from us. That we are worlds apart. What do I have in common with a Cambodian boy? How can I relate to an Ecuadorian girl? But we are wrong. The United States of America is principally a transit and destination country for trafficking in persons. It is estimated that 14,500 to 17,500 people, primarily women and children (50%), are trafficked to the U.S. annually.
It is so simple as individuals to become distracted - we have school, friends, jobs, significant others, and families. I know that by the end of a semester, I struggle to see beyond the stack of looming papers and finals glaring squarely at me, and when looking around, I see that I am not alone.
I believe we have our priorities horribly skewed. We see from the broad scope narrowed to the individual - to us. A giant magnifying glass focused upon ourselves. Perhaps, as believers and as fellow human beings, we need to take the focus from ourselves and place it upon the world - place the microscope upon the enslaved, upon the abused, upon the sick, upon the destitute . . . upon the lost. To place the pressure and focus upon the perpetrators of these crimes in an outcry of protest. Perhaps it is time for us to join together and empty ourselves and pour the light throbbing in our souls upon a world clouded in the darkness of apathy and inaction . . . silence . . . the greatest weapon of mass destruction.
Perhaps we are silent because it makes us uncomfortable. Perhaps it brings reality to our doorstep, but like an unwanted salesman, we shoo it away or pretend not to be home. But . . . maybe we need to be uncomfortable. After all, when you are sitting in a chair and become bothered by an ache or itch, you shift and adjust to remove the problem. . . well, maybe we, as Christians, as humans, need to stop ignoring the pricking uncomfortability and begin to act. To move. To stop pretending, ignoring . . . to speak.
They can't speak. They can't call to you. I've never met them - these silent. But I imagine that if they were given one word to say, they would beg, "Help."
In order to be a beautiful voice for these children, there must be many voices raised. We have not been able to have a say in their beginning, but we can have a say in how their story will end.
"We are only asked to love, to offer hope to the many hopeless. We don't get to choose all the endings, but we are asked to play the rescuers. We won't solve all mysteries and our hearts will certainly break in such a vulnerable life, but it is the best way. We were made to be lovers bold in broken places, pouring ourselves out again and again until we're called Home." (TWLOHA)
There must be involvement.
Your involvement.
What will be her ending?
What will be his ending?
They're waiting for our answer . . . to be a voice for the silent.
“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves; ensure justice for those who are perishing. Yes, speak up for the poor and helpless, and see that they get justice.”
–Proverbs 31:8-9
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Love, and C.S. Lewis
C.S. Lewis has some of the most poignant quotes I have ever read:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the perturbations of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis
I have to wonder how many of us risk becoming this - the sort that guards the heart so firmly that we forget to love. To take chances. Oh, yes, it means there will be pain. It hurts to love. But . . . how worth the pain it is to experience the joys of love.
*Walk in Love, Darlings*
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the perturbations of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis
I have to wonder how many of us risk becoming this - the sort that guards the heart so firmly that we forget to love. To take chances. Oh, yes, it means there will be pain. It hurts to love. But . . . how worth the pain it is to experience the joys of love.
*Walk in Love, Darlings*
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Satisfaction
I came across this and utterly adored its message:
---------------
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another.
But God, to the Christian says, "No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another until you are united with Me exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and longings:I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give to you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best. Please, allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that... I Am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait. That's all. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you will miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a LOVE far more wonderful than any you would dream of. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this very moment to have both of you ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this Perfect Love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh, a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I AM GOD.
BELIEVE AND BE SATISFIED."
---------------
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another.
But God, to the Christian says, "No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another until you are united with Me exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desires and longings:I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give to you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best. Please, allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that... I Am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you. You just wait. That's all. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you will miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you are ready, I will surprise you with a LOVE far more wonderful than any you would dream of. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this very moment to have both of you ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this Perfect Love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh, a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I AM GOD.
BELIEVE AND BE SATISFIED."
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