Growing Pains

"Know you what it is to be a child? It is to be something very different from the man of today. It is to have a spirit yet streaming from the waters of baptism; it is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its own soul." - Francis Thompson


I find this little quote to be utterly and undeniably beautiful and so flooded with truth that it is heart wrenching.

Over the last week, I have been experiencing an odd and peculiar type of growing pains. I can remember when I was young and how I would feel the ache in my legs as I had a growth spurt. It never lasted long, but it always signaled my being one step closer to being a grown up.

But, now I am a grown up. I am far past the period of my life when I had to worry about my height and have dived headfirst into the period that prefers to be much more concerned about my width, for all hope of height alteration is long gone.

No, my growing pains are not my suddenly gaining an extra inch of height . . . it is mourning the loss of the past. I can recall my parents and family members and random adults always remarking as a child that I should treasure and value the time I have to be a kid, because one day I would miss it. Like most kids, I laughed it off and resumed my sulking about not being able to do grown up things.

Today, especially, I have been having nostalgia. I can recall such vivid memories from when I was kid, from family baseball fun in the front yard, to lake trips, to kindergarten show and tell . . . and I miss it. I explained to Shane tonight that while I do look forward to many of the things in the future, I will always miss the things I realize I took for granted. I will miss not being concerned or worried about health, or even fearing death. I miss the innocence of imagination, where a few toys alone in a room become a land and people. While working with some of the kids, I have watched them enter the place of imagination, and it was like looking at it from another world. It seemed foreign. Did I use to talk for dolls and make up stories that, for me, were real and valid, whereas now I never would think of it or would feel silly? I miss the life that has such little worry and so much faith. Faith in everyone around me, and such trust. Now, in this adult life, I know of ulterior motifs, of lies designed to hurt and deceive, and of manipulation. I know of anxiety over money, concerns about jobs. I know of politics, or religious debate, of controversy, and of division.

I miss the moments where I truly believe a fairy tale existed, that princes hid under the cover of frogs, that there were dragons stored in secret mountain tops yet to be discovered . . . it is such sadness that imagination and daydreams often suffer the consequence of maturity and adulthood.

But what I think I miss most . . . I miss the assurance of friendship. I think back to elementary school and my friends from there . . . we never worried that one day we would be separated and never see one another again. We just knew that if one did not come to school that day they were either sick or played hookey. In high school, I never thought of the possibility of losing my best friend. It simply did not exist as an option. I knew I would see everyone 5 days a week, and then those I was closest to up to 7 days a week. But now, and especially in light of the current wedding and baby craze, I am hit with good ol' reality . . . we grow up, and normally, we all move away. I am hit with the knowledge that my good friends (Bree, Liz, Lyn, Alisha, Beth, Craig, Jad, and so on) will likely one day be gone. That this is all temporary. My best friend of 9 years and I could live countries apart. And, it is heart breaking to think about. Already, I have seen the transition from seeing one another 5 days a week, to over other week, to once a month, and eventually it got to month-long separations. At times it has felt like I have lost friendships, that I was isolated. Late nights IMing and texting disappeared due to early morning work schedules and class times. It is odd to picture life without these amazing people. Perhaps I will just channel that childhood optimism and faith that we might all stay close.

But for now, all I know is that I truly miss my friends and getting to see them often. I miss getting to talk to them daily, and I horribly wish I could now with them.

I know adulthood has many wonderful things and perks and such, but just at the moment, I want to give it back and re-live just a mere handful of years ago when life was just more innocent and carefree.