Sugar and Spice vs Puppy Dog Tails

So, after having a short conversation with a friend, I started to really think about the issue of whether guys and girls can "just be friends." Up until a year ago, I never even knew this was a debatable topic.

Now, in all of my life, I have never met a single girl who declared that guys and girls cannot be just friends. In fact, it was not until the past year or so that I even met a guy who held the view that it is a rare case in which a boy and girl could be friends. I have still yet to find a girl who holds this view, but I have met a couple of guys who hold this perspective.

So, it got me to thinking - why? Do they have a point? Am I just naive?

Here is what I have come to conclude:

The guys who hold this view tend to be the ones who have had little to no experience with a female just being a friend (in reviewing each one who has told me their view on this, they all had this same exact thing in common - having no female friends beyond the ones they have dated). The ones who hold the view that members of the opposite sex cannot be friends are the ones who mistake the blame on the issue/topic - the problem does not rest in men and women being able to be friends, but in THEM not being able to have a woman as a friend (and for the female just like them, the one who cannot have a man as a friend).

These are the people who usually fall into one of two categories: "Easy," and "Player."

People who cannot have a nonsexual friendship with a member of the opposite sex only reveal a tragic flaw in themselves, and especially in the manner in which they perceive the opposite sex, as well as how they value themselves.

A girl who cannot manage to form a friendship with a man without having it turn into being "date buddies," "kissing buddies," "man of the week buddies," or even "boyfriend status," are girls who are themselves insecure. They are also the girls who objectify men and are likely ones who will struggle maintaining a relationship with a man and are also probably more likely to be ones who are easily dissatisfied and are quick to bounce from one man to another.

Similarly, men who can count on one hand (if that) the number of legitimate female friendships they have had tend to be the same men who loosely and casually do nothing but date girls. They hop from one to the other, often "dating" multiple girls at once. They are the ones who, as a result, tend to be the players. They objectify the women, even if they do not intend to do so. It is a reflection of their mentality in which they see girls through the lenses of "dateable" instead of "friendable."

You see, the error is with each individual, and the ones who cannot have guys and girls as nothing more then friends are in fact the minority! Looking all throughout high school, I see this idea being in the wrong, for most of my friends were all male, and they never pursued anything with me, nor I with them. Most of these guys I still count as friends and talk to, 4 years later. And at my university, I'm fairly certain that should one of these men tell one of the CBU guys that he did not think guys and girls could be "just friends," that he would be laughed off of the campus. Similarly, a girl who stated the same notion would likely be stared at in shock, for throughout CBU, you will find guys and girls being JUST FRIENDS! And yes, SINGLE guys and SINGLE girls. Let's not play semantics or state technicalities.

In fact, I say that it is a shame and is something to be pitied when a guy admits to not having had a female as just a good friend, and vice-versa. In my experience, the friendships I have had with my male friends have so shaped my personality and have overjoyed my heart that I cannot picture ever not having them in my life. Yes, male friends are different than female friends, but it is a vital difference that positively contribute to my life and has actually shaped my view of men and has contributed to the manner in which I am able to respect men and see them beyond appearances and "possibilities." They add such humor, warmth, and laughter. They have also been some of my greatest supporters, confidants, accountability partner, and advice-givers. To imagine a girl who has not been able to form a relationship with a guy as just a solid friendship instead as a potential boyfriend or hook-up is to imagine someone who is missing one of the purer blessings of life.

And, to guys who have not had a good female friend . . . is it any wonder these guys happen to also be the players and more unstable ones and ones who "hook-up?" Male and female friendships are VITAL in teaching men and women how to treat one another as more then sexual objects! It teaches respect. It broadens the mind beyond animalistic instincts. Guys who hve not had this are ones who will struggle being strong men, for they will likely be more prone to being unfaithful while in relationships simply because they have not learned how to look at a woman as anything more then a "potential." Compare a man who first sees a woman as just a woman with one who just knows how to see one as someone they could see themselves hooking up with . . . and you will likely note who has the army of male friends and who has a mixture of male and female friendships. Guys . . . I think those who have good female friends will tell you that there is something that is missing when you don't have a girl you can call a good friend.

This topic has also generated feelings of anger and frustration, for it it such an ignorant and sexist perspective from an overly sexualized society. Each time I have heard this view, I have to grit my teeth at seeing how this corrupted world has infected the minds of so many, including men and women who are strong Christians. What kind of world do we live in when people believe that a man and woman cannot be honest friends, but must always have alternative motifs? Are men and women really that disrespectful of one another? It is almost heart-breaking to think about what an insulting idea it is, and it is horrible that I live in a world in which I cannot grab coffee with a male friend without so many believing that there MUST be other motives, yet had I grabbed coffee with my best female friend, no one bats an eye.

Why? Why the double-standard?

It's ridiculous and only shows how society has been able to shape mens' minds into seeing women as things to date FIRST, instead of individuals that they can form a pure relationship with. It is a society that trains women to perceive men as pleasure objects to treat them to dinner and "complete them," instead of seeing men as individuals who have so much more to offer then a sushi date and movie.

And we truly wonder why infidelity in relationships is through the roof? We are amazed about divorce being so rampant?

Friendships between a man and woman are one of the biggest teachers outside of immediate family and church about how to view and treat a man and a woman.

The issue is not whether a man and woman can be friends and only friends (heck, this does not include ones that naturally, over time, lead to a relationship). The issue is with how the guy and girl views a guy and girl. If a guy has not had any female friends, the logical conclusion is not to say that these things are rare, but to look at himself. Same goes for the girl. Perhaps, just perhaps, the flaw comes because EVERY guy and girl the guy/girl becomes "friends" with are ones they already decided upon meeting they wanted to "date." In that case, there was never a real friendship, but the flaw is with that person, not the concept. In this case, the boy needs to grow up and become a man, and the girl needs to cut off the pigtails and act like a woman.

And, also . . . what is with this perpetual fear guys and girls have with being placed into the "friend" category?! Okay, all you Christian men and women, you should WANT to be in that category FIRST, before you are ever in the category that places you in a position to make another compromise. You see, EVERY relationship should begin with friendship, and it should evolve into best friends prior to evolving into a physical relationship of any form. It is so immature when a guy or girl refuses to get close enough to another for fear that this category eliminates potential for leading to dating. If anything, the healthiest of relationships seem to be the ones that began with mere friendship that naturally evolved into something more. I had a friend from church tell me that, regarding male and female relations, they fall into one of three categories: husband/wife, brother/sister in Christ, and a threat. The guys and girls who just pursue after guys/girls for relationships likely fall into the "threat" categories instead of taking the friendship phase that enable the maintaining of a healthy and Godly relationship.

Finally, even looking at it from a Biblical perspective shows just how silly and corrupted a view it is that guys and girls cannot be friends. It has nothing to do with gender, but with the mind and mentality of the person. Maybe it just takes a mature person to be able to have this type of relationship? Scripturally, what evidence is there that man and woman cannot be friends? Are we not told that we are all members of one body and are told to work in unity together? Perhaps God needs to be informed that only guys and girls who are in relationships that do this, because they cannot just be friends. Maybe there is a "female arm" and "male arm"? Forgive the sarcasm, but for Christians who hold this view, I have to wonder what Bible they are reading, for the view is not only an insult to the Biblical practice of friendship and agape, but it is also an insult to the individual and to God! God created us to be in fellowship! Man AND woman. To be friends! To work together! It is also a mental view that is sinful, for it insinuates that the mind is controlled by nothing but lust and desire. Surely a Godly man can control his urges and thoughts enough that he can be a true and sincere friend to a woman and not one who only has the goal to win her over. Surely a Godly woman can control her own selfish wants and develop a friendship with a man and see him as a brother in Christ before anything else.

I just think that this whole issue is only an issue because of how deprived this world is that it is succeeding in dividing the body of Christ by gender and foolishly teaching men and women that there cannot be one of the purest things this world still has left between them - friendship.

1 Corinthians 1:10

"I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought."